LEARNING FROM THE EXPERTS
By Jim Davis

Kids learn early about how to deal with conflict. They learn from “experts.” Parents. Bigger kids. Teachers. And a lot of what they learn is just flat wrong. I know. I learned “wronger” than most when I was about three years old (about 57 years ago.) My well-meaning dad wanted his son to “learn to take up for himself.” He told me, “If somebody is bothering you, pick up a stick and whop ‘em up side the head.” He obviously learned this from a child psychology class he had taken.

Daddy wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t trying to make me into a bad person. He wanted to keep me safe. He wanted to keep me from experiencing some of the unpleasant experiences he had gone through as a kid. However, it quickly became obvious that the lesson didn’t work when one day a couple of older neighbor kids were playing in my sandbox, and I calmly picked up a stick and “whopped one of them up side the head.” Fortunately for him, I wasn’t a very big “whopper.” The little boy was more puzzled than hurt, according to my mother who observed the whole thing. She was puzzled, too, of course. Until she realized that I was (in my mind) doing what my daddy had told me to do.

Apparently, she was able to get it across to me that my daddy didn’t mean for me to just go around hitting other kids. As far as I know, there was never a repeat of that particular incident. However, I continued to be the beneficiary of my dad’s psychological training for most of my childhood, in one way or another. Fortunately, Mama was usually there when she was needed.

Actually, I learned a lot of what I know about dealing with conflict from observing the way my parents operated. I learned a lot about how not to deal with conflict. Plus, to be fair about it, they taught me a whole lot of other really good stuff. Enough that I “turned out pretty well.”

I don’t claim to be an expert. I look at that the same way I do when I hear someone talk about how great a driver they are. I’ve learned that they are often the ones I definitely don’t want to ride with. On the other hand, I have learned quite a bit about dealing with conflict over the years. I’ve learned that there are lots of different ways to do it. Some are more effective than others, and different people have different styles. I’ve learned that it’s often not nearly as important to “resolve” conflict as to manage it effectively. I’ve even learned that conflict can be a very effective and positive tool if you know how to use it. I very seldom “whop someone up side the head” with a stick any more.